20 something poems
a collection of poems I've written throughout my teenage years as a tribute for my 20th birthday. the reason I'm the woman I am today, tomorrow, and the girl I was and will never fully rid of.
fifteen
le restau
a table set for two at our usual spot
I fasten the skirt of my dress as we take our seats
he rubs my finger as he figures out our orders out of the glossy menu
I look up at the waitress and say
“we’re getting married soon”
knowing that the words coming out of my mouth would make him proud of me
she gives a sympathetic smile and our shared atmosphere divides as she leaves
tilt my head in the direction of the table set for four
frightened one day that he’ll want more
the same bread with the same garlic
the same pasta with the same garnish
tilt my head again at the table set for four
I stand up and exit because I can’t take this anymore
cherry cola
cost one twenty-five
cold when I receive you
so sweet I need you
sixteen
i don't know love
i don't know love
but i would like to meet her
i've seen her around
but she's always with other people
they look like they're enjoying themselves
i don't want to bother her
besides i can't force her
she only comes to you when you're ready
sometimes i see people that look like love
but her pupils are huge and fixed, her cheeks are soft
pink, brown, suede... blue?
yet her lips are voluminous, moist... tender
her nose probably tickles when it touches you
but as always they are not love
that heat i'm feeling isn't warmth
that touch i'm feeling is shocking not sensual
but then again maybe you are love
i could've easily just been mistaken
after all you are so far away
i must be mistaken. i have to be. because if you are not love
then who are you? then who is she?
why won't she come and see me?
am i not deserving of love?
why would i be?
i don't know love no matter how much i would like to meet her
eighteen
a never ending birthday
every 365 days i look back at the girl i once was and think to myself
she had no idea how good she had it
i think about the people i surrounded myself with
how much fun we had together
but now with the knowledge that i don’t ever want to be around them
as the clock strikes every hour on it’s way to midnight
i remember all the time i spent staying up doing something i love
and question if i have fallen out of love with them forever
it feels like a never ending happy birthday song
for every candle you blow out another one appears
then everyone around you starts chanting again
i look at my life now through the melting candle flames
now eighteen years old and i have no idea
who i’ll meet
what’s good for me
when it’s bad for me
where i’m going or how i’ll get there
i’m not even sure after all the resolutions,
if i’m a good person or deep down if i even care
i yearn the girl i used to be
but the worst thought of all is sometimes
i wonder if the girl i will be
365 days from now
will mourn me
nineteen
my biggest fears
to be a woman is to perform
as i lie here in bed with blood seeping dripping down my feet
concealed by my ballet flats
ribbons sewn tight up my calves
a spotlight placed directly above my head
i do not know of life beyond this stage
i sleep here
i eat here
i breathe here
i live here
and therefore i will die here
with an audience i’ve gifted myself out of fear of loneliness
guest appearances i do not need but want
searching for my play writer
begging him to look at me outside my role
for my feet hurt
and i miserably enjoy it
the art of performing
it’s the only way i’ll ever be seen
i crave intimacy but afraid of someone to intimately see me
because then the show is over
my sewn on ribbons tied up my calves will fall apart
along with my skin at the altar
and the ballet flats i endure revealing nothing but bones
i am nothing if not performing
performing that i am incapable of getting hurt
performing that i can no longer be disappointed
when truly disappointment consumes me
and i will never rid of him
disappointed with myself because out of all the characters i play
it’s the only emotion i can never hide
the one scene i cannot do
for in the back of my mind
i am the understudy
none of the things or people in my life were ever truly mine
who am i if not pretending
if not fantasizing
if not day dreaming
i wouldn’t last a day in reality
so to be a woman is to constantly perform
and i do so gracefully
perhaps im a fraud
as i slipped into this red ballgown
one that belongs to a princess
however i do not belong to royalty
my hair perfectly put into place
my fingers only play with it in adoration rather than an obsessive fix
i was pretty
i am pretty
and that simple glance you gave me made my heart ski into an icy cool crash
so exhilarating
i’d give anything to relive the rush i felt in that moment
but forever trapped in the moments that followed after when you looked at her
the way you looked at her
with her silk black dress and layered pearls
a combination of elegance and effortlessness
i see why you’re in love with her
i tried
and it infuriates me
how i have to try
i sat in your old seat just to feel closer to you
as you sat closer to her drawn by her and never glanced at me again
it was as if there wasn’t a beautiful woman in a red ballgown in the room
i know i can never have you the way she has you
because although you took off my kitten heels so gently and with care
it was her you pretended to give flowers to
unattainability
rose petals
rose petal trails follow me at my heels as i walk across the cold sand on this lonesome beach
as i look up at the nighttime sky wondering if there was a planet in my chart that cursed me to become so loveless
was i fated to be the other woman
with a lifetime of petals that follow me at my footsteps but will never thread together to become a complete rose
i was never given a rose
i suggested roses
for i am such the romantic
i am in love with love more than love loves me
i think it think me too needy
too desperate
i just want to pour everything in my heart into another
i have
that’s why these petals follow me
they love me they love me not
i think i crave selfishly to have someone’s heart to keep
and purposely lose the key
falling in love isn’t the hard part
it’s the realization that soon you’ll slowly fall out of love with me
have the stars made me forever unattainable
have they made me simply an infatuation
not deserving of everlasting
perhaps that is why i sit here
with my face painted like an idiot
and tear drops perfectly dripping down my blush
but underneath am i rotten
these rose petals will wither soon
and i will sooner or later accept my fate to spending my life alone
no one by my bedside to watch me crossover
girls when absence makes the heart grow fonder:
there’s a saying that goes
absence makes the heart grow fonder
i’m beginning to understand my fondness
day by day when you aren’t here
a simple train ride away
a twenty-eight dollar toll
i may or may not have to pay
depending if the ticket collector was having a good day
i dread going to the city we met
to see all buildings, alleys, restaurants, venues, places i could’ve walked through with you
it makes the realization of your absence more a reality than an inconvenience
i want to sit in the red booth at that one jazz bar we went to on july 9th
but i know suddenly the cushion would get uncomfortable
and you won’t be there to hold me and play with my hair
as we listened to a sunday kind of love
that very sunday
i hate it when you call me love
how do i send kisses 741 miles away
how do i make you miss me
so much that it aches
so much that selfishly you’d wait
because i cannot bare to tell
if you’re truly being distant or it’s the distance
i missed you a great deal today
more than the days you were here
perhaps that’s why i’ve been angry
arguing about meaningless things
your absence is the reason for my fondness
when you don’t consume me into conversation or attention
my brain begins to slip out of my ear
although it saddens me
i’ve endured worse pains than heartbreak
but my heart isn’t even breaking
it’s yearning
how come no one told me this is exceedingly worse?
i feel like i didn’t let you kiss me enough
in places no one else can see
hold me pin me down in places only between you and me
voices in a low whisper brimming with secrets and desires only the walls can hear
my fondness is beginning to make me think catastrophic
you still haven’t picked up the phone
im standing inside the phone booth
in the company of my last quarter
if you don’t pick up now
i’m afraid i have to let you go
at least until your absence goes unnoticed
and the fondness in my heart dissipates into a simple i miss you
there’s no point of loving regardless if i am the only one left standing
at least we loved when we could
this isn’t goodbye
i’ll see you soon
although by the time we meet again we’ll be different people than who we met that summer
but your presence would become more prominent than your absence and it’ll all be okay
do i only know love if its limerence
am i so obsess with the unknown that knowing repules me
will i ever satisfy this hunger
will my thirst for intimacy every be clench if i’m constantly chasing the artificial
i want to be seen through my lovers eyes
but i do not love those who love me
so how will i ever see what they see
how ungrateful i must be to be shown to be a kaleidoscope yet only ever treated as a spy glass
grasp on reality is weak because my right hand won’t let go of what could’ve been
i cannot force how i feel
i do not want those who want me
how can i when i don’t even want me
is it not law in nature to migrate with your flock
must i be the judge
as the past me’s attend as jury
i control the courtroom and blame the system that created it
injustice for all
the one that never made it valentine’s day
you’ve had the spring flings entering a time where the flowers begin to blossom again
standing in the rain during your date
soaking wet with your clothes and food all ruined
however it’s a little romantic to share a tragedy together
because whatever this is will soon perish before the rain can wash all the pollen away
you’ve had a summer filled with carnivals and fairs
overpriced funnel cake and movie tickets
underneath their arms as they try to make out with you at the theatre
stuck in between the dilemma of endless kissing
or paying attention to a film accidentally intriguing
trapped under the city lights a city bigger than you and I
which only makes it feel evermore personal
you’ve had your art exhibits, bookstores
taken somewhere you’ve never been before
now a top secret location only to be kept by the both of you
perhaps shared one of your first kisses in a photo booth
a forever souvenir of that
day, in summer, with your lover
but that was just it, summer.
the autumn leaves fall
and maybe you two reconnected after all
or someone from the new school year has caught your eye
you go to the football games not for the actual game of course
but for the slight chance they’ll be there too
its getting colder now but something about the walks at the park and their presence kept you warm
do you guys like to lay in the grass and have the sun beam in your face?
do you also people watch wondering what people have planned on this autumn day?
talks of invitations to thanksgiving
too scared to mention christmas gifts because you know what that signifies
offering your love and wrapping it around a bow
but none of these people ever liked gifts
especially when it came to you
so after a new years kiss if you ever get that far
maybe there’s hope in the new year
you’ve loved throughout the seasons and lingered through the months you didn’t
three hundred sixty four days
and suddenly you’re no one’s valentine
have you not been a saint?
are you not deserving of sweethearted conversations and affection?
they moved on and soon so will you
it doesn’t matter when necessarily for you have always been
the one who never made it to valentine’s day
who deserves better in the end
i know younger me is screaming at me trapped in a silver screen
from her living room sofa as she watches me the decisions i make
when it comes to love
she doesn’t know how it would feel eventually
i’ve ached for the sense of importance this man has coincidentally casted onto me
from which corners of the earth did the universe find him and point him in my
direction?
i have no clue
one who makes the effort to see me
one who runs to me with pink apology flowers bejeweled with white planted snow
because he didn’t pick me up from an airport he wasn’t obligated to
although my favorite color is purple
it is unfair to expect him to know that yet
when i cautiously don’t reveal anything
i don’t reveal my sensitivity
i know that he likes me because what is there not to like
from the music i listen to
to the clothes that i wear
in the humor of my jokes however clever but mostly the bad ones
my hopefully flirtatious teasing
and the mysteries i slowly reveal like the clues of a quest
except he was just the hopeful pirate
lead to a treasure box filled with mold instead of gold
i am no longer the lover girl i once was
i do not jump with both feet anymore
and a part of me wishes i had met him sooner because he deserves that part of someone that used to be me
the kind who wrote poems on the first date
the kind who who opened up about anything you’d ask
my vulnerability isn’t a weakness but so scarce i fear i myself might break it if i
continue to let it loose
why must i cling to a maybe man
when the absolute is right in front me
who feeds me holds me kisses me in all the right places
carries me down a hill simply because i expressed exhaustion
as i try to get off his back and pretend like that wasn’t the most romantic thing to
happen to me in a long time
i was honest
he asked me where my heart lays
and i pointed to it showing its grave next to
someone else
and yet he hasn’t given up on me, why?
what have i done to be deserving
except patronize and be kind sometimes
selfishly i endure it and i want to keep him because
it would be a lie to say i didn’t like being adored
it would be a lie to say i wasn’t attracted to the way his jaw looked when he looked
away pondering on a thought fixated on task or something or someone especially if
that someone was me
and the perfect amount of shadow on his mustache
i prefer to enjoy his affection, his intimacy, his sex, his efforts, and my desires in
silence
i want to hold on to him but i don’t want him to come crashing down with me
i’m too preoccupied with my own endurance of the person i love dragging me by feet
beneath me
he deserves better
my lover deserves better
i deserve better
but who does better end up with in the end
woman friendships
today i order her drink at the gentrified cafe
it reminds me of winter time and rides to school
it reminds me of things i used to share with her
i haven’t ordered it in a while
since i haven’t shared it with her for a while
we no longer share things and it’s been a while
since
i had an iced chai latte with three pumps of brown sugar and cold foam
one pump is too little
two pumps isn’t quite enough
so she puts three therefore i do that for me
my lipstick stains my coffee lid and its too sweet
i begin to think how after this i can live without her or this drink
although reminiscent
now my stomach starts to turn and i question why i got whole milk
until i realized it was too sweet because of the cold foam
instead she substitutes with oat milk
and the cold foam was entirely me
my heart starts to yearn but i figure it’s better off not remembering what it tastes like
or knowing how our friendship would’ve been like if we tried
my friendships with women are like pottery
like everything in this world in order to have stability you must set a foundation
the clay thrown on my pottery wheel is our foundation
sprinkling water to nourish it
then the wheel spins
out of control
i trust my clay in the palms of my best friends
they wrap their hands around me bring me up and sculpt me into the woman that i am
although gentle their hands are firm never allowing me to fall
remembering to soak me in water
to nourish our friendship
my hands are dirty covered in clay
covered in my imperfections but
never once making me feel ashamed
its almost as if they clasp their hands over mine and sculpt the clay with me
tickling my insides with their fingers
clay stuck to their fingernails
caressing my imperfect hands and creating beauty
accepting me accepting us for who we are
as big or small we could make this clay to be
however tall we’d grow
it wouldn’t matter because we made it together
women see beauty that lies within imperfections
it saddens me how there are women who are no longer in my life
who have seen me this vulnerable
we made pottery together but our clays clashed until it turned into mush as if we consumed one another bringing out the worst in each other
not everyone is meant to be a potter
some push their thumbs in my middle so hard
create a hole so deep
then leave me vacant
the foundation is brittle dry and weakens over time
neglecting the wheel to spin out of control
they wouldn’t touch my hands because i’m covered in clay
pottery we could’ve fixed together
so eventually you have to give in watch it wither and fall for i am so tired of giving it my all
there are times where i too forget to add water
squeezing the sponge dry
the beautiful thing about pottery though there will always be new clay
just clean your wheel and start over
to be fair
i love you
but i don’t quite like you either
your imposter naiveness
your inconsideration
incapability to read the room
people pleasing tendencies
to the point where i question your genuine gestures
because i know you care more about being liked
it fuels you
and i despise it
i like you better when you show you’re annoyed
i like you better when you don’t make promises you can’t keep
i like you better when you aren’t busy trying to be liked and just being yourself
i liked you better when i believed that you loved me enough never to put those who hurt me above me of all else
you’re like a deer in headlights
like a child who spotted a new toy
i feel like we’re playing a games of hide and seek
when we should be playing sardines
i fallen out of like with you
but the love is still there when
i remember you
and i know you aren’t malicious
sometimes you’re reckless but i want to believe you don’t mean any harm
because you try everyday to do better
you’re learning and you want to learn even if it scares you
i love you when i remember your eyes when you see me
i love you when i remember your head resting on my shoulder and when we would hold hands
i don’t like how things turned out to be
i hate how i resent you more than i could ever hate you
but i do love you so very deeply because we are all flawed even though i don’t want to be your friend anymore
i love you and all the times you made me happy and i you
she was my closest friend at the time
i feel teamed up against
are the gods throwing this in my face for entertainment
i thought we were done with this
i was doing just fine
and i am quite alright
at night
i remember
what you did to me
what she did to me
and what he did to me
and how she you and him are all connected
leaving me to think maybe somehow i am guilty
i’ve taken enough accountability
so why won’t this pain rid of me
i’m over it
i no longer argue fake scenarios and how i should’ve handled it in the shower
i’ve met new people who make me happy
but something is missing
where are my apologies
no one here deserves to be happy but me
i deserve it
i do
just me
not you
neither of you
you need to see me happy
and i need to see how it pains you
if history keeps repeating itself am i the one in the wrong
someone has to be wrong here
i feel injustice
we haven’t gone to court but i want every jury on my side
i can no longer trust the same
i can no longer love regardless in that way
the attached has become avoidant
and while you all have each other
i’m alone in all this
when i am the reason your connections exists
my love for all of you is playing this prolonged game of hide and seek
as if it knows im trying to get rid of it
can two things be true at once
am i innocent and am i guilty
and do the same apply for all of you
is it possible that i am moving on
that my happiness is in fact real
but somehow
i’m still not over it
human in nature or nature in humanity
i don’t have to look up to know mother nature has begun crying
I sat on my balcony
Pen and paper in hand
My lipstick staining the rim of my coffee cup
Staring at the lined pages on my lap
With not a clue in the world what to write
One drop
Two drop
Four
after being out all week with it’s unbearable heat, has the sun ran away and hide?
suddenly it starts to pour
it seems to me she’s angry
i think she’s been holding in her sobs for a long time
however, i cannot bring myself to get up
for i love the rain
i don’t think we should stop our plans simply because it’s raining
or see rain as a nuisance
i understand now why people sing, kiss, run, and dance in the rain there’s nothing
more romantic than being cleaned into ourselves
am i the only one who sees all the beauty in it, despite being wet and a little cold?
listen to her she’s pouring her heart out for everyone to hear
she washes away anything in her life that no longer serve her
she cleanses, and she heals
i close my eyes and take it all in
i hear her wailing
i forgot how terribly comforting the sound of rain could be
i think of all the lovers running to find shelter regretting to choose today to take a walk in the park
i think of the people with no homes
i think of mother nature watering her children in the gardens
in forests in which they call home
but then i hear my mother yelling at me to come inside or i’ll catch a cold
i open my eyes and i’m not a little girl anymore
and that thought makes me want to cry
what difference does it make crying in the rain
at least i’ll have a motherly embrace
i feel the droplets hanging from my lashes
now i’m soaking wet and so are my pages
i think i know what i want to write about now
a rainy day
she is me i am her the flower girl
as a girl who used to proclaim how much she detests flowers
because they’ll die anyway
i admit my ignorance i love flowers & beauty lies within them.
wanted dead or alive.
give me flowers, give your lover flowers, give your sister flowers, give your mother flowers,
most importantly give your grandmother flowers
so she can remember what it felt like to be young newly blossom days.
give all the women in your life flowers,
and you can give your boyfriend a singular rose
and let him hold it in his mouth as you dance.
my favorite color is purple,
my favorite flower are purple oleanders
however i can never have since it’s poisonous,
much like many loves i’ve encountered so ill settle for pink lilies
and dark red roses that look black in the shade much like the sight blood.
and for all the blood shed in the many places in the world happening outside of us such as palestine, congo, sudan, tigray, kurdistan etc
may flowers fall from the sky representing each loved one lost
for there are no graves to deliver them to.
what is your favorite flower?
untitled
i casually exist alongside all of you
in this universe during this time my body resides in
i’ve never had an appetite so full
by this journey we call life
for a long time i felt like my body wasn’t my own
but recently
i’ve been feeling more
i’ve been being more
no longer accepting less
acknowledging how far i’ve progressed
if i felt cold
if i felt warm
i felt it then attached it to the human being that i am
like matter i take up space
my heart is filled with junk i don’t remember collecting
i’ve become a hoarder
with a refusal to push the world away
like the moon is to the sun
like the sky hovers over the ocean
as kisses over and over and over on the cheek
i feel alive
i appreciate anytime i remember to stand still to listen to the world around me
there will be a day where the sand clock of my life will run out
and i won’t be here to hear it
i pay attention to the universe for i don’t ever want her to feel ignored
sex
I want to have intimate sex
to the point where I can cry
right after in their arms
in complete silence
and after they could read me a book
until I fall asleep
you’re so sweet to me
he’s the one who i could see myself making out with for hours on end
hooking up for men
using your body to masturbate
regardless if you were satisfied at the end
or your pleasure and needs weren’t met
but with him
when he kisses me i lose all my senses
and forget my surroundings
i can trust myself to get lost
i can feel my body cling towards him
he’s so gentle with me
holds me like im fragile and i’ll break any second if he’s not careful
as if im a flower
he’s so tender
and so sweet to me
heat rushes to my venus fly trap
and it makes me want to treat him just because
ovulation
i need to be pounded into
ferociously, intensely, with agony and need.
palm pressed down on the small of my back
as a rhythm is made inside of me
moan so loud without a care in the world for how i sound like
or who could be listening
raw
vulnerable and in love’
there is a certain type of hunger i want to see in your eyes
i yearn to see you starve for my love
that this eye contact is solely for me sink under
ship wrecked collapsing into your tide
it would be in the way you hold me
how you continue to take in my fragrance and let it flare up your nose
a scent so magnifying you can’t get enough of
so you’ll keep itching for one sniff more
from any angle of any part of my body
just to catch a whiff of it again
a sixth sense
i’d hear it growl beneath the epitome of your stomach
before i see the temptation in your eyes
a kiss so wet and tender truly passionate
enough to make me a nomad in every universe except your lips
to be desired
is to nearly be eaten alive by you
because to taste me would never ever be enough
to fuel the hunger gravitating inside of you
pulling me closer into your orbit
until we are one
princess and the pea
once again i had let my lust for sex overpower my desire for love
and here i am being the one left crying in the end.
across state lines for overhyped oral sex
but at least i kept true to my word
and did not give him head in return
if i was left unsatisfied.
and sure maybe he was good once before the chemo
or perhaps it was my strong threshold of realization
that i was falling in love with yet another man
i felt like couldn’t satisfy me in bed.
but as i laid there in the bed of someone
who is soon to be blocked and added to the collection of my horrific hookup stories
is that there is a bed i know of that doesn’t make me feel like the princess and the pea.
i should be more patient when it comes to the love i deserve physically and intimately.
also i can’t believe i forgot my brandy meville striped panties at his house.
Seductive Divison
Why divide when we can become one
I wanna sink in your skin
For I have fallen, between these thighs lies my diary
And I just gave you the key
Unlock me
Bring me back to Earth
I could pick this lock
But I’d rather be the damsel in distress
With your teeth a few bite marks won’t bother me
It’s the closest I’ll ever get you
Into marking your territory
Please
Don’t leave
This Seductive division
Tower over me like the princess underneath
Did you forget? Sleeping beauty’s in your sheets
Animals gather in the forest yo the sound of my screams
I sing to you, You sing to me
But do your intentions imply you’ll spend the night
What must I do so you complete this jigsaw puzzle
You’ve scrambled inside of me
You drench me in sweat
We reconnect
I love the way your palms caress
And perfectly fit where my waist bends
I know your favorite place to undress
I don’t mind the scars from childhood
You cup my breasts as my fingers tug your coils
Purposefully pulling them back
To see your Adam’s apple crack
Like Eve I try to bite the snack
Tell me you won’t hide
Condemn me in front of god
Im close, are you close?
You’re inching now
I tighten our grasp
You don’t let me go
And I dread the moment
You’ll move to finish
But I refuse to carry your kin
Through the seasons
Because there’s no commitment in
Seductive Division
eldest daughter
when mama cooks
im never in the kitchen
i dread peeling onions
as it’s pettiness fumes crawl up and dampen my eyes
but i’ll cut this and i’ll peel that when and only when i’m asked to
i only show up after she’s done cooking
when mama cooks she dances
she sings and throws things
when mama cooks she’s considerate
about what i like and dislike
when mama cooks she thinks about me
as she blends, mix, stir or fry
she’s open to trying new things
when mama cooks she serves me my own plate and waits for me to tell her i like it
don’t remember the last time my mother cooked much less considered me and my needs
when i come into the kitchen
she says i’ll never survive on my own
no man would marry me
i’d prefer all of those things
the survival part seems unfair though
since the only thing i’ve ever learned from my chef wasn’t how to cook
rather how to survive not ending up like her
although there’s always something in the fridge to eat
for my physical needs are never abandoned
i go to bed hungry
hungry for when mama cooks me something made with love
i should’ve just let him play in the snow
i am your big sister
i wonder sometimes if you know it
even if you don’t i am proud to remind you
and i am proud to claim you in front of the world
there are people who don’t understand you
i don’t always understand you but i love you so much i try to
i still remember before i got fired from my spiritual holistic retail job
it was nearly your bed time when you called me
this time i knew to pick up
i will not neglect like everyone else does
you asked me, “when are you coming back”
it didn’t even occur to me you’d realize i’ve gone
although it took you months
you called your big sister who is away at college
awaiting my return
did you know i cried that day
we had a conversation
things sisters and brothers typically do
so when you said you missed me and to come home
that’s why i cried i never felt so close to you
the boundaries between your speech and mine were closing
and since i practically raised you i felt so proud
my sweet little brother
i wish the world was kind to kids like you
i wish our sister was kinder to you
i know she doesn’t understand you
but i also know she loves you just not enough to try and understand why
she has to
mom loves you so i think so much she hides you
denies you of who you are
because it may mean she’s failed as a mother
but it doesn’t and it won’t
and she should try more to understand you
and grandma who arguably loves you the most
cautiously always looking over her shoulder to find you to pick you up from the little yellow bus
because everyone is too lazy to check the time
yet coddles you and you always preach how you’re a big boy
and you are
i want you to be friends with other kids too
because you are a kid too
kind kids who try to understand you
kids who won’t yell names at you knowing that you’ll laugh thinking they’re trying to be your friend
but intentionally being mean to you
i don’t want to shelter you
distract you with food and electronics in place for human interaction
but when you told me loud and clear, “i love snow”
the first snow fall we’ve seen in two years
you asked me to play in the snow and i said no
“but I love snow”
i was too lazy to overwatch you
too lazy and too scared that the other kids wouldn’t play with you
because they couldn’t understand you
only ignorant people care about those sort of things
kids will play with other kids
its in their nature
i denied you of that
and I’m so sorry i let my fear of the world get in the way of what you wanted to do
i promise the next time it snows
i will take you outside to play in the snow
and if nobody wants to play with you
i will
we will have a snowball fight
we will build a snowman and eat snowflakes
i will let you live your dream outside of an blue lit screen
i should’ve let him play in the snow
clarity in love
you were not my soulmate
the way we met would be consider fate in romance novels
the kind where the protagonists look back to reminisce
the scenery
the air
the sparkle in your eyes
when the sunset settled in
it’s so beautiful how we knew of nothing
that could become something
turning that something back into nothing
once again i never felt this way before
and then onto the next when i’ll feel something more
the first was not my soulmate
when i looked up and we made eye contact on the ferris wheel
the first was not my soulmate
when he kissed me twice on an empty football field
as his best friend waited for him awkwardly
the first was not my soulmate
when he still talked to me even though my mom told him not to
the second was not my soulmate
when he listened to me attentively
the second was not my soulmate
when he fixed my necklace and teased me that it wouldn’t have broke if i had held his hand
the second was not my soulmate
when he drove all the way out of town to get my favorite soda for my birthday
but
you were not my soulmate
when holding my hand resorted you into blushing
you were not my soulmate
when we said the same word at the same time
you were not my soulmate
when you grasped both my hands in between your palms
you were not my soulmate
when you planted kisses in my neck
hugging me so tight
as you leaned on the pool table at the jazz bar
you were not my soulmate
when you wrote me a short story
of me as a fairy
simply because i wrote you a poem
you were not my soulmate
when you secretly wanted to kiss me in the rain
you were not my soulmate
when you rested your head on my shoulder on the train
you were not my soulmate
when you would pull my legs closer on your lap like an instinct
you were not my soulmate
when you took pictures of me when i wasn’t paying attention
you were not my soulmate
when you gave me rocks and seashells
from your hikes
you were not my soulmate
when you forced me to read the poem i wrote for you aloud because you wanted to hear it in my voice
you were not my soulmate
when you you played with my hair
when you played me the guitar
just like you played with the strings on my heart
suddenly im harp
my fingers can’t reach the strings for you are so extremely far
you were not my soulmate
when you held me close to your heart so very gently as if you would lose me
then you lost me
as fast as how you had me
infatuation i see
the cycle repeats
when i meet
someone i believe is sent to me
fatefully
canopy underneath the willow tree
i swing back and forth like bodies to the melody of a song
in the canopy underneath the willow tree
my lashes flutter shut and i drift off into a time
where my feet would also swing as i rested my thighs onto his lap
i had something beautiful
so sacred to me i was unexpectedly scared to lose it
it was mine and mine alone
whether or not he saw it that way
i felt the love i gave
since my love is my own
oh how excruciatingly empowering it was to have so much love for someone else
i felt it
so much I felt myself begin to cry
but was afraid he’d ask me what’s wrong
however nothing was wrong
it was perfect
unfortunately i didn’t know how to explain that to him
my eyes open to the willow trees leaves’ teardrops dangling over me
its been raining nonstop for the past three days
today i saw the sun
shimmering gold as it bathe in the lake beneath me
i swing, i swing, and i swing in the canopy underneath the willow tree
with hopes that one day
he’ll come and share it with me
adding memories to the ones we already share
the willow tree dances hovering over me acting as his arms to caress me
although it’ll never be the same
so i secretly count down the days until he’ll hug me
and swing me in his arms instead of the canopy for once
but i’m grateful and i don’t mind
i believe love follows me wherever i go
i want a house with a canopy underneath a willow tree
with a lake right below it
i wonder if love will still follow me there
or if my heart will just have to reminisce
i’d be okay with whichever
i think either option is beautiful in its own way
only swans in the lake
theres’ nothing quite like an autumn breeze when winter is knocking on their door
sneaking through the back to catch whatever is left of the ray of suns
darkness where there should be light
the moon filling up the sky
is not enough to end the day for them
but their last days spent by the lake was worth it
the crisp air yet the lake was cooler
filled with geese for what looked like their last swim before migrating
amongst them were the intrusion of two swans
the only swans in the lake
white feathers with a hint silver from the droplets clinging onto them
as they were also clinging onto hope
for longer tomorrows
was their reflections in the water? or were they the only swans in the lake?
it felt like they were the only lovers left alive
but one cannot be too sure until spring arrives
why would you kill my dove?
out of love and respect for you
is it love and respect if you killed what i sent it over with?
strung
and i sung along to your songs
as if the lyrics spoke to me
and i played along with your games
you the magician i your prey
i prayed for us
since i cared for us
i prayed to the white rabbits who came before me
as they laughed in unison at my naivety
warned me indeed you wear your heart on your sleeve but rolled up lies your tricks underneath
i still feel your fingers deep inside of me
i thought because it was love i’d feel something
but i felt nothing
and im the type of person to feel everything
im still trapped in the bathroom
where you brushed your teeth
a mundane task
you wanted to share with me
or was your audience there too
was it one of your magic tricks or reality
i might as well be the strings on your guitar
the way you strung me along
fall in love again and again
strawberry picking
i want you to walk around the gardens
while swinging your basket
eyeing which berry you’ll pick first
all fresh and beautiful but
despite the different shapes and sizes
i want to be the strawberry you hand picked
the one you took home and gave a deep bath
as you soaked me in salt water
then ran your bare hands through the leaves
as if they were the strands of my hair
you leave me out to dry
basking me in the sunlight you bestow with your warm smile
i’ve always loved strawberries
but when you told me they were your favorite
in that moment i wanted to kiss the soil of the earth to thank it
for providing you with something to love
i want to be your hand picked strawberry
because even though you could’ve simply went to the market and picked up Driscoll’s
you bent down on one knee getting mud all over you dark wash denim jeans
and chose me
because i was your favorite
brooklyn
i think i just fell in love with brooklyn
i love the graffiti covered brick walls
the multicultural restaurants down each block
i love how quiet but not so silent it is here
every where my eyes wandered i could spot something beautiful about it
especially when my eyes would land on you
for every time you picked up your camera to take a picture of the sights around us
i wanted to capture that moment of you
with you
the lamp posts casted a mystic glow in the night sky hovering over the park
just us two in it
you taught me how to hold the camera
but it’s lens could never compare to the ones attached to my sockets
i just fell in love with brooklyn
because it’s where you held my hand as we walked home
but i love it especially since you reside in it
I beg you to accept my love with open arms
shield them and protect them from evil
do not let anyone come between you and my love
not me, not yourself,
I am here to stay
my grip will not slacken, and I promise you
so stop being so tense
trust in love
trust in love
trust me
but the most important thing is that you trust yourself
I need you to trust yourself to love me
i wanna get bored
i’m spontaneous impulsive and flaky
yet i wouldn’t mind it getting boring
although i hate boredom
always in search of something new
stimulation for my unpredictable mind
but with you i have the luxury to not be obligated to speak or entertain
even in the quiet i know in my heart that you still love me
i wouldn’t mind it getting boring
the same affirmations
the same intentional touches
the same kisses and the same blushes
already knowing what you like and dislike
your predictable reactions or habits
i wouldn’t mind getting used to it
in fact i think it’s the most beautiful part of all
new love turning old
therefore
i don’t get why people fear love getting boring at times
i believe true love is the quietness you share with one another
keeping the love alive
I am no doctor and you no surgeon,
so how can I expect you to be certain of maintaining the heart alone?
there are moments where I look at you only after you’ve left
and I wish I kissed you more
maybe toyed with the hair at the nape of your neck
it’s okay to admit I could’ve been
more loving, more touching and more affectionate, more intentional
less expeditious
it would’ve gave you the courage and reassurance that i am present with you
I don’t want to be waiting
pacing around
while you’re in the operating room
and I have no clue
if we’re gonna make it out of this alive
cpr
i find myself wanting to trace your nose
precise with my stiletto frech tip nail
perhaps if i trace the outline of your skin
i can imprint you into my mind forever
and ever and forevermore
to place my palm against your jawline
and pull you closer to me but not kiss
let the scent of your aroma pave its way into my nostrils as it travels down and traps itself into my lungs
defibrillate me
never have i ever been unable to breathe like this
so when you kiss me you’re preforming cpr
I think about you everyday
I see your face in everyone I meet
I hear your voice and laughter in every step the pavement touches my feet
You are embedded in me my love
Although I have my fun because you’re nowhere near
But no one rises the goosebump hairs right behind my ear
I think if you were them
Since they can never be you
Remember me
In all the letters I write
Remember me
In the poems sent by night
Because even though you’re far away I hold you in my heart
And I wish happy birthday on march 8th
Blow out candles in the dark
Remember me in the photographs you take
I hope you miss me
But not too much for our sake